24 Months of Movies

Below is the alphabetical list of movies coming out in the next 24 months that I have even a remote interest in. Give it a gander.


22 Jump Street (2014) - Of course the building across the street was conveniently vacant. 
300: Rise of an Empire (2014) - Basically the same as it's predecessor, except they wear blue capes instead of red ones. With 20% more boobs. 
A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) - Come on. It's a comedic western with Seth MacFarlane, Liam Neeson, and Neil Patrick Harris. Sold. 
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2014) - Kid's book from my childhood. I aced that 2nd grade book report. Pre-ritalin. 
Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) - The ghost of my man crush's (Denis Leary) character is in it, so I'm cool with it. The first one didn’t suck, either. 
Ant-man (2015) - The original founder of the Avengers is very jealous he was left out of last two summer blockbusters. 
Assassin’s Creed (2015) - This is a 2 hour parkour and knife throwing documentary.  
Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) - Hulk fights Thor while fighting some type of intergalactic monsters in New York. Spiderman is not called for help. Again.
Bond 24 (2015) - A drunk Scottish man pretending to be a British man drives overly priced European vehicles in chase of terrorists that cause a plot twist at the end. 
Bourne Identity 5 (2015) - Renner and Damon fist-fight until they’re tired, then work together to save some girl who was previously irrelevant to the story. 
Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014) - Cap uses his magic flying shield to fight the NSA. 
Clerks III (2014) - If you weren't happy to see this on IMDb, then you don't know who Kevin Smith is and can no longer claim to be a movie buff. 
Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger (2015) - 4 words. Flying. Karate. Japanese. Magic. Girls. Pretty colors. Fighting. 
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) - Post-apocalyptic humans impervious to illness hockey-box monkeys too smart for evolution. 
Despicable Me Minions (2015) - Haven’t seen Minions in anything other than a commercial and I still am excited for this. 
Divergent (2014) - A super scifi fantasy book series that takes place somewhere in either the Midwest or the Middle East. 
Dumb and Dumber To (2014) - We've waited a decade for this franchise to make up for it's last movie. 
Edge of Tomorrow (2014) - Tom Cruise dies 100 times in one day to fight GoBots at Normandy, I think. 
Entourage (2015) - 7 seasons wasn't enough time for me to learn all the flagrant and vulgar insults and cuss words Ari Gold has to offer. 
Expendables 3 (2014) - Sly, Snipes, Schwarzenegger, Statham, and Han Solo shoot shotgun shells at Somalian sea pirates, or something. Yeah, alliteration!
Fantastic Four (2015) - Another Marvel franchise rebooted by Disney because Marvel Comics got real lazy between 2003 and 2008. 
Fast & Furious 7 (2015) - Paul Walker's ghost builds a rice burner that teaches Vin Diesel how to act as if he’s not always filming a Riddick movie. 
Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) - That one girl who's face you kind of recognize gets tied up, "Hollywood nude", in inappropriate positions and spanked for 2 hours. Not joking. 
Godzilla (2014) - Did you see the trailer? Take that, Cloverfield! 
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) - A few characters no one knows, but most will claim they’ve been fans of from the beginning, space fight far away. 
Heaven is For Real (2014) - I'm relatively religious, and this seems like a feel-good film to take your Grandma to after an early-bird Greek restaurant breakfast. 
The Hobbit: There and Back Again (2014) - Drunk, hairy midgets hatchet hack at a voice named Cumberbatch until he dies. 
Horrible Bosses 2 (2014) - Charlie Day uses this movie’s full time allotment to get Jennifer Anniston to take her shirt off in front of the camera. Hopefully. 
How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014) - Who didn't feel good after watching the first one? Plus, it's the sequel to one of my wife's favorite movies. 
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 (2014) - The second installment was so good, I read this book. This was the only non-Star Wars book I’ve read in 3 years. 
Hunger Games: Mockingjay 2 (2015) - The book wasn't long enough to split into two movies.
Insidious 3 (2015) - I think Darth Maul finally learns how to dual wield double-sided lightsabers in this installment. 
Insurgent (2015) - Sequel to Divergent where the entire movie takes place in a bubble somewhere. 
Jersey Boys (2014) - If you don’t like Frank Valli-era music, you don’t know music and should drive your Bieber-loving self off a cliff. 
Jungle Book (2015) - A young white boy is raised by black panthers and cannot seem to get along with tigers. Its a very confusing racial metaphore. Live action.
Jurassic World (2015) - The script has been rewritten 4 times and will probably still suck, but as long as they have raptors in tall grass, I'm sure most of us will be okay with it. 
Lone Survivor (2014) - Who doesn't appreciate a military movie based off actual events staring the guy who founded the Funky Bunch? 
Mad Max (2015) - I’m sure we’ve all asked, “Why?” But you’re lying to yourself if you’re saying you won’t watch it. 
Mission Impossible 5 (2015) - Tom Cruise proves that age doesn’t matter when you’re discussing zip lining or love interests. 
Nymphomaniac: Part One (2014) - If you're a dude and haven't seen this trailer yet, Google it. Now. Unless you're at work. Don't Google it there.
Nymphomaniac: Part Two  (2014) - See above. 
Paranormal Activity 5 (2014) - Because 4 just wasn't enough to tell this story. 
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) - Because the only thing this film series was missing was a spin-off. 
Peanuts (2015) - The only thing real-life was missing was a CGI Charlie Brown and Snoopy watching a cartoon Charlie and Snoopy on the television. 
Poltergeist (2015) - The only thing this movie will have in common with it’s original is that some little girl will say “They’re here.” Also, all the actors die in real life. 
Popeye (2015) - No one knows anything about this yet, but, God, I hope it’s live action! 
Robocop (2014) - I heard there was no CGI used during any scenes that showed Detroit buildings being destroyed. 
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014) - I've got nothing for this one. I'm just excited for it. 
Star Wars 7 (2015) - The release of the release date of this movie gave me an orgasm. I was wearing basketball shorts in public. 
Ted 2 (2015) - Mark Wallburgh wakes up from his 20-year, marijuana induced coma the most famous person in America, as no one has ever went into a pot coma before. Also, he has brain damage and talks to teddies.
Terminator: Genesis (2015) - The movie takes place in the future where Arnold is a real life person who is the model for the robots we know from the past. My guess.
TMNT (2014) - I don't care if they're aliens or if the movie takes place in Dimension X. Give. Me. Turtles. 
Transformers 4: Age of Extinction (2014) - a Shai LeBuffless flick where Marky Mark gives Megatron the middle finger for 3 hours. 
The Vatican Tapes (2014) - A Horror movie about an exorcism where girl gets a paper cut and some bacterial infection turns her into Satan. 
Veronica Mars (2014) - 35 year-old Veronica goes back to school and actually pays attention after learning that private investigative work doesn’t pay well. Like, at all. 
X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Wolverine convinces Professor X and Magneto not to go havsies on that '85 DeLorean.