24 Months of Movies

Below is the alphabetical list of movies coming out in the next 24 months that I have even a remote interest in. Give it a gander.


22 Jump Street (2014) - Of course the building across the street was conveniently vacant. 
300: Rise of an Empire (2014) - Basically the same as it's predecessor, except they wear blue capes instead of red ones. With 20% more boobs. 
A Million Ways to Die in the West (2014) - Come on. It's a comedic western with Seth MacFarlane, Liam Neeson, and Neil Patrick Harris. Sold. 
Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day (2014) - Kid's book from my childhood. I aced that 2nd grade book report. Pre-ritalin. 
Amazing Spider-Man 2 (2014) - The ghost of my man crush's (Denis Leary) character is in it, so I'm cool with it. The first one didn’t suck, either. 
Ant-man (2015) - The original founder of the Avengers is very jealous he was left out of last two summer blockbusters. 
Assassin’s Creed (2015) - This is a 2 hour parkour and knife throwing documentary.  
Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015) - Hulk fights Thor while fighting some type of intergalactic monsters in New York. Spiderman is not called for help. Again.
Bond 24 (2015) - A drunk Scottish man pretending to be a British man drives overly priced European vehicles in chase of terrorists that cause a plot twist at the end. 
Bourne Identity 5 (2015) - Renner and Damon fist-fight until they’re tired, then work together to save some girl who was previously irrelevant to the story. 
Captain America: Winter Soldier (2014) - Cap uses his magic flying shield to fight the NSA. 
Clerks III (2014) - If you weren't happy to see this on IMDb, then you don't know who Kevin Smith is and can no longer claim to be a movie buff. 
Crouching Dragon Hidden Tiger (2015) - 4 words. Flying. Karate. Japanese. Magic. Girls. Pretty colors. Fighting. 
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014) - Post-apocalyptic humans impervious to illness hockey-box monkeys too smart for evolution. 
Despicable Me Minions (2015) - Haven’t seen Minions in anything other than a commercial and I still am excited for this. 
Divergent (2014) - A super scifi fantasy book series that takes place somewhere in either the Midwest or the Middle East. 
Dumb and Dumber To (2014) - We've waited a decade for this franchise to make up for it's last movie. 
Edge of Tomorrow (2014) - Tom Cruise dies 100 times in one day to fight GoBots at Normandy, I think. 
Entourage (2015) - 7 seasons wasn't enough time for me to learn all the flagrant and vulgar insults and cuss words Ari Gold has to offer. 
Expendables 3 (2014) - Sly, Snipes, Schwarzenegger, Statham, and Han Solo shoot shotgun shells at Somalian sea pirates, or something. Yeah, alliteration!
Fantastic Four (2015) - Another Marvel franchise rebooted by Disney because Marvel Comics got real lazy between 2003 and 2008. 
Fast & Furious 7 (2015) - Paul Walker's ghost builds a rice burner that teaches Vin Diesel how to act as if he’s not always filming a Riddick movie. 
Fifty Shades of Grey (2015) - That one girl who's face you kind of recognize gets tied up, "Hollywood nude", in inappropriate positions and spanked for 2 hours. Not joking. 
Godzilla (2014) - Did you see the trailer? Take that, Cloverfield! 
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) - A few characters no one knows, but most will claim they’ve been fans of from the beginning, space fight far away. 
Heaven is For Real (2014) - I'm relatively religious, and this seems like a feel-good film to take your Grandma to after an early-bird Greek restaurant breakfast. 
The Hobbit: There and Back Again (2014) - Drunk, hairy midgets hatchet hack at a voice named Cumberbatch until he dies. 
Horrible Bosses 2 (2014) - Charlie Day uses this movie’s full time allotment to get Jennifer Anniston to take her shirt off in front of the camera. Hopefully. 
How to Train Your Dragon 2 (2014) - Who didn't feel good after watching the first one? Plus, it's the sequel to one of my wife's favorite movies. 
Hunger Games: Mockingjay Part 1 (2014) - The second installment was so good, I read this book. This was the only non-Star Wars book I’ve read in 3 years. 
Hunger Games: Mockingjay 2 (2015) - The book wasn't long enough to split into two movies.
Insidious 3 (2015) - I think Darth Maul finally learns how to dual wield double-sided lightsabers in this installment. 
Insurgent (2015) - Sequel to Divergent where the entire movie takes place in a bubble somewhere. 
Jersey Boys (2014) - If you don’t like Frank Valli-era music, you don’t know music and should drive your Bieber-loving self off a cliff. 
Jungle Book (2015) - A young white boy is raised by black panthers and cannot seem to get along with tigers. Its a very confusing racial metaphore. Live action.
Jurassic World (2015) - The script has been rewritten 4 times and will probably still suck, but as long as they have raptors in tall grass, I'm sure most of us will be okay with it. 
Lone Survivor (2014) - Who doesn't appreciate a military movie based off actual events staring the guy who founded the Funky Bunch? 
Mad Max (2015) - I’m sure we’ve all asked, “Why?” But you’re lying to yourself if you’re saying you won’t watch it. 
Mission Impossible 5 (2015) - Tom Cruise proves that age doesn’t matter when you’re discussing zip lining or love interests. 
Nymphomaniac: Part One (2014) - If you're a dude and haven't seen this trailer yet, Google it. Now. Unless you're at work. Don't Google it there.
Nymphomaniac: Part Two  (2014) - See above. 
Paranormal Activity 5 (2014) - Because 4 just wasn't enough to tell this story. 
Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones (2014) - Because the only thing this film series was missing was a spin-off. 
Peanuts (2015) - The only thing real-life was missing was a CGI Charlie Brown and Snoopy watching a cartoon Charlie and Snoopy on the television. 
Poltergeist (2015) - The only thing this movie will have in common with it’s original is that some little girl will say “They’re here.” Also, all the actors die in real life. 
Popeye (2015) - No one knows anything about this yet, but, God, I hope it’s live action! 
Robocop (2014) - I heard there was no CGI used during any scenes that showed Detroit buildings being destroyed. 
Sin City: A Dame to Kill For (2014) - I've got nothing for this one. I'm just excited for it. 
Star Wars 7 (2015) - The release of the release date of this movie gave me an orgasm. I was wearing basketball shorts in public. 
Ted 2 (2015) - Mark Wallburgh wakes up from his 20-year, marijuana induced coma the most famous person in America, as no one has ever went into a pot coma before. Also, he has brain damage and talks to teddies.
Terminator: Genesis (2015) - The movie takes place in the future where Arnold is a real life person who is the model for the robots we know from the past. My guess.
TMNT (2014) - I don't care if they're aliens or if the movie takes place in Dimension X. Give. Me. Turtles. 
Transformers 4: Age of Extinction (2014) - a Shai LeBuffless flick where Marky Mark gives Megatron the middle finger for 3 hours. 
The Vatican Tapes (2014) - A Horror movie about an exorcism where girl gets a paper cut and some bacterial infection turns her into Satan. 
Veronica Mars (2014) - 35 year-old Veronica goes back to school and actually pays attention after learning that private investigative work doesn’t pay well. Like, at all. 
X-Men: Days of Future Past (2014) - Wolverine convinces Professor X and Magneto not to go havsies on that '85 DeLorean. 

Where to Start in the Star Wars Expanded Universe

The Star Wars Expanded Universe is a dauntingly large storyline for a newcomer to jump into. I was lucky enough to start my fan hood in the early 90s, right before the time the EU started growing faster than its readers could keep up. Now, the EU spans for thousands of years before and after the movies, correlating stories and characters that are in no way tied or related to the films most Star Wars fans grew up watching. An entire galaxy of possible mini-stories has been created and considered cannon ("official" storyline material). My little brother has probably watched The Saga exponentially more than I have, yet he has never heard of Darman, Coran Horn, or Grand Admiral Thrawn.

All that taken into consideration, there are a few different story lines that a new reader could help themselves to without finding themselves lost in a maelstrom of hodgepodge information. 

The Republic Commando Series - Link - One has to begin with Karen Traviss's Republic Commando series, which throws you into the the Star Wars galaxy mere days after the Battle for Geonosis (Episode II: Attack of the Clones). Four clone commandos, canibalized from four different teams that were destroyed during the fight on Geonosis, are forced into a rush/raid mission together on a planet you have never heard of (and probably never hear of again). They meet up with a Jedi Padawan girl who had lost her Jedi Master days earlier, creating a future character arch to evolve into a storyline unlike any other Star Wars storyline I have ever read. This series is, hands-down, my favorite, and if you find yourself disconnected from any of the characters created by Karen Traviss in these books (or any of her characters, for that matter), you shouldn't even be reading anything in the science fiction genre anyways because your real life is probably just too damn interesting. Spoiler: The story of Delta squad and friends abruptly ends four or five books in, but loosely picks back up again in the Legacy of the Force Era decades later in the EU storyline. Like I said before, this is hands down, my favorite series, and because of it Karen Traviss has evolved into my favorite science fiction writer, using her real world military knowledge to write captivating stories showcasing the horrors of war and the necessity of brotherhood. Read it!

The X-Wing Series - Link - Don't let the fact that I read the first novel of this series at age 9 fool you into thinking this series is for children. The storyline takes place shortly after the conclusion of Return of the Jedi, and the Rebellion is still fighting the Empire. The Essential Reader's Companion states that Michael A. Stackpole originally came up with the idea of "Star Wars meets Top Gun" for a novel when he began writing what developed into a ten book series spotlighting the members of Rogue Squadron (and eventually Wraith Squadron). Mr. Stackpole authored the first four books, and Aaron Allston brought the rest of the series home save for Michael coming back to write the eighth installment. This is another series that opens the readers' eyes to a whole new world, creating characters that reach far into the rest of Star Wars cannon. Plus, there's a comic book series that fills the story's void in between the books. All around, this is a great series for action junkies as well as the average suspense readers. With the taking of Coruscant, Industrial espionage, and consistently classic Star Wars dogfights (in space, not Mike Vick style), Stackpole and Allston do an impressive job in getting a Star Wars fan's rocks off.

Shatterpoint - Link - Taking place sometime during the Clone Wars, the story of Mace Windu's trip back to his home world in an attempt to save his former padawan is ranked relatively high on my list of "single story" novels in the Expanded Universe. There isn't a real tie into much else of the EU or the Saga, but Shatterpoint easily builds up Mace Windu's character, adding personality and history to an otherwise frowning mocha face. I'm not quite sure that this novel will help to ease you into the rest of the Expanded Universe, but you could definitely read it with nothing but basic Saga knowledge without getting lost. Plus, if I remember correctly, there was quite a bit of brutal violence. Who doesn't like that?

Shadows of the Empire - Link - Have you ever questioned what happened in between the Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi? Well, in 1996, Steve Perry finally answered the SW addicts' beckons. Luke, Leia, Chewbacca, Lando Calrissian, Wedge Antilles, and Dash Rendar (play the N64 game that shares the same name as this book to find out about that guy) take on Darth Vader and Prince Xizor (newly introduced, closet enemy of Vader) in this novel that leads directly into the beginning of Return of the Jedi. I'm pretty sure some of the new characters in this story even had their own action figures. If I think back really hard, I had a Xizor toy before I had any idea who the guy was.

Don't let the Star Wars section at Barnes & Noble scare you, but at the same time, don't let the "conclusion" of the Saga trick you into thinking that the story ends at the Battle of Endor. The Special Extended Edition ending of Return of the Jedi leads newcomers to the Expanded Universe to believe that Empire-controlled Coruscant fell to the Rebel Alliance shortly after the destruction of the second Death Star. Though this may be relatively true in the grand scheme of Star Wars's Expanded Universe timeline (36,000+ years), it still took around three years for the Rebellion (reborn as the New Republic) to liberate the galactic capital from the Empire. I didn't know Coruscant even existed when I started my EU venture. The average Star Wars fan misses so much story by avoiding the novels, comics, and games! So jump on your Kindle/Nook and invest seven dollars into the best fiction decision you will ever make. Happy reading.

Star Wars Attack Squadrons: Straight from the Beta Trenches

Star Wars: Attack Squadrons

First things first, you have to install Unity Web Player. So, for any of you hopefuls out there that thought this was going to be like the old X-Wing or Tie Fighter games… You play it within a web browser. Not that this is a real complaint yet. You can still switch it into full screen which makes you forget you’re in a web browser because it looks like a pretty cool game, especially for a free-to-play. It also feels pretty nice too, though you’re forced to play with a mouse, which was never my thing back in the old X-Wing Alliance days. Knowing that this is being written during closed beta, there is no way to change any controls either. If you fly inverted, you’re out of luck for now. You’re just going to have to get used to the controls.

As a matter of fact, there’s no real instructions for the controls either. They kind of just drop you in the middle of a dog fight and let you figure it out on your own. I died a lot in the first four minutes. There also seems to be an “up”, which I don’t understand (being space and all), but no matter how hard you turn, juke, or screw, your ship always ends up “righting” itself so up is up. Kind of odd, but maybe it really has been that long since I played a Star Wars simulator. One-on-one dogfights can get a bit dicey, if both of you know the controls well, which I found extremely entertaining. A left bank, into a loopy-loop, into a dive, into a swinging 180 and that little S.O.B. is still right behind me. I hadn’t cussed that loud since “The Most Addicting Game Ever” was a thing.

The only mission that’s playable is “Team Dogfight” with the only board being “Lucrehulk Relic”, which seems to take place over Naboo. You don’t get points off of kills alone; it seems you’re scored based on damage inflicted. You earn credits for every match but obviously receive more for a victory, as opposed to a defeat. You use these credits to buy things within your Workshop and Hangar.

There aren’t very many selections to choose from in beta, starship wise. All there is is the Tie Interceptor, the X-Wing, and the Y-Wing. As of right now, you cannot buy any other star crafts. But, from a load-out point of view, the fighters you do posses are quite customizable, albeit confusing. Like I said previously, they didn’t give me any instructions, or if they did, I click-click-clicked right through them without realizing it. So, when it came down to customizing, I didn’t really know what to do, or what the ships were capable of. I ended up spending what little credits I’d earned on things that are probably irrelevant.




Also, Tie Interceptors don't have shields, but in this game, they do. Small complaint from an Expanded Universe fanatic.

Despite how utterly basic the gameplay is, i found myself submersed in this "flight simulator". This is quite addicting. It has to be the revenge factor of the game, because the only other objective is to not die. If they're objective was to turn me into a meth hound, but for SWAS, in under forty minutes, they succeeded. Well played.

I’m not one hundred percent sure what they’re going to do to make me spend money on this game, though. I’m curious what USD can buy compared to Galactic Credits. I have a feeling I won’t be seeing that in closed beta at all.

All-in-all, there is quite a bit of promise in this. Area 52 seemed to think about this quite a bit during conception. The amount of time that one could spend in this game is unfathomable, and I, for one, am extraordinarily giddy to see the full thing launch with full customization and a plethora of online missions. Well, to be honest, I just want to kamikaze a kelly green Tie-Fighter into a Mon Calamari cruiser. Is that an odd wish?

2nd Round of Closed Beta

I did some testing with gameplay on Mac. It didn't seem to like the Mac Google Chrome browser very much, but it did seem to work well within Safari. That being said, Do Not Play This Game With an Apple Magic Mouse! The fact that the mouse is unable to let you click the left and right mouse buttons puts you at a sever disadvantage, especially if you're a Tie Interceptor kind of guy. That will make more sense to you while you start playing.

They added a new game-play style but still only have one board to play on. Base Defend is a bit different from Team Dogfight. You're still split into two teams, but there is an attacker and a defender. The defender has three Corellian Corvettes to defend, while the attacker launches from a Star Destroyer's hangar bay. The objective for the defender is to keep at least one of your Corvettes functional for 10 minutes, the the attackers are the exact opposite. The only thing the defenders can do to slow the attackers down is attack and destroy the Star Destroyer's hangar bay, which is very difficult, and even then, it only forces the attackers to spawn just a bit further away. The game-play is a breath of fresh air from the traditional dog fight, which is all I played for quite some time. It also forced me to be the Y-Wing for the first time since I tried it out on Beta Day 1.

I'm quite impressed with this game. I just hope they eventually allow joystick/controller controls and a cockpit view, which they may very well already allow, I just haven't had a chance to test it yet.

(More information and pictures to be added throughout closed-beta)

I feel obligated to edit the end of this and let you know that this game will no longer be made. Disney pumped the brakes on it for some reason, though I don't know why.

How The 2015 Ant-Man Storyline Should Go

How the Ant-Man Film's Storyline Should Go

(Caution towards inevitable future spoilers)

Without sounding cocky, the most logical storyline of the 2015 Ant-Man film adaptation, directed by Edgar Wright, will feature a lovable, semi-comedic anti-hero, Scott Lang (Paul Rudd), who sees stealing the Ant-Man suit from S.H.I.E.L.D for use of thievery as his only viable solution for saving his sick daughter (Cassie, who eventually turns into Stature [Young Avengers]). After being caught by S.H.I.E.L.D in the process of some generic, high-payout heist and sent to secret S.H.I.E.L.D holding, he meets Henry Pym, the original Ant-Man (played by Michael Douglas), who is currently going through a court martial and was kicked out of S.H.I.E.L.D. for unmentioned and story-irrelevant actions conducted as Yellowjacket (the alter-ego he adopted after he hung up the Ant-Man costume). Here Henry Pym "mentors" Scott Lang as S.H.I.E.L.D discusses what to do with Scott. 

I know this slightly (well, maybe more than slightly) deviates off of cannon as Scott Lang's Ant-Man and Yellowjacket didn't really exist at the same time, but Marvel Films has already deviated from comic book cannon by saying that Henry Pym was not the creator of Ultron (when in fact, in the comics, he was), and instead Marvel is probably giving that title to Tony Stark (which is BS). What's one more creative deviation?

Later, when Henry Pym is being transported from his lockup to his court martial hearing, his original arch nemesis previously thought dead, Egghead attacks the convoy, breaking Henry/Yellowjacket out. Egghead "manipulates" Pym into helping him with the heist of a national reserve of adamantium. This is actual comic book cannon, and also a great tongue-in-cheek wink to X-Men. Unbeknownst to Egghead, Yellowjacket really isn't being manipulated, but is in actuality planning on following through with the heist, but instead of stealing the adamantium, he purposely fails in his heist in an attempt to throw Egghead under the bus and show S.H.I.E.L.D. that Egghead is still alive and just as evil as ever, only to find out that Egghead saw this coming and set Yellowjacket up for failure! Egghead had already cleared out of his makeshift hideout, taking everything that pointed to his existence with him, implying to S.H.I.E.L.D. that Yellowjacket acted alone in the heist.

Here Scott Lang's Ant-Man shows up, tussling with Yellowjacket who is driven mad by the fact that he was duped by his nemesis. Yellowjacket fights back angrily, in a psychotic rage, knowing full well that no one will believe him in his claims that he was trying to set up a previously believed dead villain. Eventually defeated by Ant-Man, Yellowjacket is taken back into S.H.I.E.L.D custody and his part of the movie ends with him in S.H.I.E.L.D. prison as a sad and semi-psychotic Henry Pym.

As a thank you for his help, S.H.I.E.L.D funds an experimental procedure that cures Scott Lang's daughter's heart disease. Scott Lang meets Tony Stark and David Banner because they're all geniuses and need to hang out within the Marvel universe for the enjoyment of the viewers.

After everything is said and done between Ant Man and Yellowjacket, S.H.I.E.L.D. takes over the adamantium loot, turning it into a crime scene, but since Yellowjacket is no longer a threat, they have minimal security on it. Egghead kills the few guards protecting the loot, and walks away with the adamantium. And since no one knows he still alive, Scott Lang raises an eyebrow at the idea that the culprit was Herny Pym's old arch-enemy because of a conversation they previously had together in jail that I forgot to mention earlier. Who knows what Egghead wants to do with the adamantium...

<Insert Thanos tie-in Involving the adamantium?...>

In a future post, I'll explain why introducing a character like Ant-Man, that hardly anyone from my generation knows about, into the Marvel film universe is an absolutely brilliant idea.